No surprise there then...

Remained at same weight. Blah. Although given I have lived off nothing but milkshakes apart from one indiscretion, many would be amazed, but such is life on a VLCD. (Very Low Calorie Diet. Keep up, people!) I am still one point away from the top end of "Normal" weight. But if I am a good girl, I'll get there by next week.

Renewed, reinvigorated, I return from my "cult" having watched my inspiring video. (Honestly, they should update them. There is no humour, it has the aura of a cheap, cable channel mid morning programme, and given the amount of cash they must be making each week, surely they could be more, well, zippy?) And despite the clunky school video, I feel inspired to move on. The girls who have done this with me are brilliant. A troupe of winners. How we can go from munching constantly to surviving on pastel coloured liquid, four times a day, would be beyond most sane people. It is week 10. (Less for me, I know, if you are pedantically following this blog.) We are survivors. Will us to stay on this path, because it is a damn sight better than being obese and miserable, I can tell you.

The true struggle will be to maintain. I realise this, and yet, I found this stage so hard. ALL the way through. Perhaps I am weakwilled. But if nothing else, I have realised through this, that it is all MY choice, what happens to my body, and I need to take control. I can no longer blame other factors or say I am powerless. I can CHOOSE what happens to my bodyweight. It may be hard, but at least I'm in control. I worry about society at the moment, everyone is so used to someone else to blame or in control. Everyone blames the government, the media, education, etc. for obesity, as if obesity was some kind of faceless beast that they cannot fend off themselves. It IS A PERSONAL BATTLE. And one which every person can take control of. For good or for ill.

Two stone lighter...

...(and a couple of pounds)

Remarkably. I lapsed on Saturday. I dropped in on a next door neighbour and the naughty minx pressed wine on me. Oh bend my rubber arm, why don't you! It was lovely, sitting in the september afternoon sun (yes, the sun came out for my lapse), sipping and gossiping, while the children played, and flooded her bathroom. (This we didn't discover until later. Serve us right for drinking on the job!) So I rolled home, pissed, which was quite an achievement for someone who would need a couple of bottles to feel tipsy before, and dialled a pizza.

:(

FOOL!

Anyway, I ate about two slices and then felt so disgusting, I spat out what was in my mouth and chucked the remainder in the bin. The only person I was fooling was myself.

Despite this, I weighed myself earlier that morning (i.e. before the lapse), and without clothes I was 10stone and 3lbs, which gives me a BMI of 25, i.e. NORMAL! My scales come up lighter than that in my lighter life session, which I put down to having clothing, and getting weighed later in the day. I am hoping that this naughtiness has not thrown me too much. I felt wretched the following day, like I had a hangover.

My LLC asked when I wanted to start Route to Management, i.e. when I wanted to start introducting food again. She thinks I am going to hit my 10 stone very shortly. Truth is, I am naturally supposed to be smaller than 10 stone, I am very small.. only 5 foot 2, and small boned. I would probably be better at about 9 stone. But I don't want to over do it either. It is bad enough that you need to be food obsessed on this diet, but you don't want to develop eating disorders on top of that. (Not that I anticipate any food disorder except that which I already have, i.e. obsession with pizza and cheese etc.!) It is hard to know. I am actually quite scared that it will all pile on again very quickly as soon as I start eating food again. That I won't know how to stop.

Food Porn, breasts and cheese.

The bloke came home at lunchtime with a large freshly baked crusty loaf and some very ripe camembert. I nearly cried. Genuninely. After perving over watching him eat some and sticking my nose into both bread and cheese, I went off an cooked my sad little lemon bar into lemon "cookies". It didn't make me feel much better. He had better eat it all by tomorrow. I know for a fact that cheese and bread are going to be my "trigger" foods. My big no-no. I can't see me ever getting to grips with it. Put me in front of a pizza or a plate of cheese sandwiches, and they will already be working their way down my gut. I have no sense of where to stop.

BUT going shopping for clothes yesterday sure did make me feel good. I am about 2 stone lighter than I was this time 2 months ago, and it shows. I'm no Kate or Keira (thank God), but I am able to ask for size 10 trousers/skirts in some shops. (N.B. Fat Face and Hobbs are very generously sized in the bottoms, but I find not as generously sized in the tops.) It is weird how I am small down below and big up top. I have a tummy, don't get me wrong, but small hips and bum. It makes buying things like pyjamas or dresses very difficult. I can be a size 10 below and an 18 up top. It's a wonder I don't keel over. My boobs have shrunk a bit, but thankfully not too much (so far.) Having had two kids and breastfed for a considerable time, I expect it to all head south sometime soon. My back size is down to 34 from 36, so now I'm a respectable 34 E. Jordan eat your heart out. I'll bet she doesn't perv over camembert. I suppose she has Peter Andre. He's cheesy enough.

Crack open the fizz!

I passed the test. Yeah, baby! And I'm celebrating with a glass of San Pellegrino fizzy water and a savoury vegetable drink. Rock n' Roll. I'm watching Notes on a Scandal, thankful that my life is much simpler. Nowt wrong with the simple life sometimes. God, I would gnaw my arm off for a cheese toastie though.

Driven to succeed.

I have my driving test next week, which is exciting and terrifying in equal measure. I used to be terrified of driving, like being physically ill before lessons and pulling out of courses. But this time, I have to admit that I am looking forward to the freedom of being able to drive. There is a glimmer of recognition that driving may actually be enjoyable. An asset to my life. I actually feel like I could pass this. But I will need something else, some other focus once it's over. I must have a look at some kind of physical classes or rethink joining a gym. The boy is in a gym, just for the swimming pool really, so it would be logical to join as a "family" ticket thing. So roll on the driving test, because the gym in question is a good 15 minute drive away. Running out of excuses to remove one's ample arse from the sofa! Not sure if the bank will lend me anything to buy a car once I have the test though. Would love a 1960s/70s VW camper, so if anyone has one spare to donate, preferably with cream leather seats with red piping...

I must upload some photos of myself, to prove that I am a real person and not makebelieve! I am always full of great enthusiasm at the very end of the day, but by the next morning, I feel "Oh blah!" about it all. Reading some posts in the lighterlife community forum, I realise that I have very little to complain about really. My kids are in good health. Okay, I'm in debt, and feeling a bit of credit crunch, but the bailiffs have not been called in yet. There are some people out there who are coping with this diet with some very big problems; sick kids, sick parents, sick selves etc. So I have no reason to whinge. But I could murder a sarnie. Oh blah. I'm also worried that my loss this week won't be huge, as an after effect of my lapse last week. I certainly don't feel any lighter.

We had some friends to stay last night, with their new baby girl. (Set off my broody hormones, she was cute as a button.) I fed them a delicious curry platter. The full works - Veg pilau rice, prawn korma, chicken jalfrezi, garlic nans, copious bottles of wine. I sat there with my fizzy water, claiming to have a tummy ache. I also had to decline a thank you lunch the next day on the basis that I wanted to clear my system of this "bug". I felt quite guilty fibbing like this. I am not a good liar, and am convinced that people see right through me when I tell porkies, so I tend not to. But I really don't want to tell people about my diet until later. Lots of my friends and family just would not understand, and would consider this dangerous quackery. I know I would, if I wasn't doing it myself and had researched it first. I don't understand how people can tell all and sundry. So brave!

Ooops! Celebrating without beverages and refreshments: Can it be done?

Well then, well then. I cheated at the wedding. Hardly surprising really. Despite intending to act like a saint, I felt really weak willed and hit the wine. Also, my rebellious child was shouting in my ear "WHAT THE HELL! ONE NIGHT WON'T HURT!" throughout the day. It was most distracting, and I gave in to it. Weigh in yesterday, and I had still lost one and a half pounds. Truly relieved that I hadn't gained to be honest, and am feeling a renewed energy and really want to go for it. This brings my total weight loss so far to 20 pounds, or, if you like, one stone and six pounds, which is fantastic for just 5 weeks. Onwards and downwards!

It's mine and the boy's birthday, in a fortnight, and we would usually, babysitters permitting, go out and have a slap up meal and lots of posh wine. That is the only time I feel apprehensive about. I will try and forestall that feeling by planning something non-foody for the day or evening. Ideas on a postcard please!

Meanwhile, I am finding the foodpacks REALLY BORING. I have abandoned the savoury ones altogether because they are totally bleurgh. I tried to make "crisps" out of the vegetable pack, and they were so salty and horrible, I had to bin them. So I am sticking to making biscuits. This I do as follows:

Recipe 1: Ingredients: One foodpack, or half of two packs. 2 teaspoons of water.

Mix vigourously to make a paste. Add some water flavouring if you want it sweeter. Add more water if necessary. Spread to as thin as possible on a plate. It should cover a whole dinner plate. Nuke in a microwave for 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Remove from plate with a fish-slice and place on a cooling rack or on another cold plate and leave to cool. Hey presto, a big crunchy biscuit. okay, it ain't Nigella, but I'm gonna be slimmer than her so nya.

Recipe two: Chop up a lemon, toffee or fruit bar into one centimetre widths and spread out on a plate. Nuke for one minute 40 seconds in a microwave. Scrape off with fish slice and put somewhere to cool. Result: Crunchy sweet biscuits, markedly more edible than the original gunk.

Recipe three: Thanks to one of my LL group members for this revelation. I find coffee without milk quite difficult, so making up a hot fairly dilute half a packet of vanilla or caramel, and mixing with two mugs worth of cafetiere coffee makes a sweet, milky coffee like I used to have for breakfast in France. (Without a slab of yesterday's stale baguette, natch.) This I had for the first time this morning, and I suspect it will be my staple breakfast from now on. Or at least until I get sick of that too.

Well here I am, 19 days into my lighter life journey. (See, I’m getting into the lingo now!) I feel lighter, and I look lighter. I tried on a few outfits from my dusty wardrobe for this wedding we are going to in a fortnight. I was pleasantly surprised. Outfit one was a size 16 black and white Coast prom-dress that I wore just over a year ago for a wedding. I thought I looked okay at the time, but when I saw the photos, my face and shoulders were round, my backfat and my boobs were spilling out all over the place. I *think* I am slimmer now than I was then, but it is hard to know, perhaps I am about the same. It looked better on today than I remember in any case. It ties directly under the boobs and then flares out, so is quite flattering over the tum. I am undecided whether to wear a hat with it or not. Outfit two was a ¾ length sleeved Kaliko size 18 beige and black chiffon dress over a satin slip. It flows nicely over the tummy, and gathers together under the boobs. However, it looks a tad frumpy, a bit grandmother of the bride-ish. (Not saying that the lovely bride’s grandmother is frumpy, if she is still around, but you know what I mean!) Outfit three was the big surprise. I bought it as a fall back for the last wedding, but realised that I was far too plump to pull it off, and slipped it back into wardrobe, labels still attached. It’s a simple sleeveless dress of brown lace and sequins over satin slip. I just tried it on, and lo and behold, it actually is very nice on. I am clearly losing a bit around my tummy and getting a bit of a waist back. That I didn’t want to puke my guts up on seeing my flesh adorned with a dress is a welcome development. I have dreaded weddings, and the seemingly pointless effort in trying to look like one has put a bit of effort into one’s appearance, for the last few years. This one will be a bit blah, because it will be populated with “beautiful people”, but I won’t be wishing the ground would swallow me up because I look like a sack of potatoes, because, in fact, I will look okay. Not Nicole, not Kate, but not “out of place”. Hoorah! I haven’t a clue what to do with my hair, it is a good bit shorter than it was the last time I went to a wedding. I don’t really want to fork out 40 quid or so for someone to move it around and spray it. Hmmm.