Lets see. Will this be like those dreadful diaries as a school kid that never lasted beyond 7th January. Hmm. The idea is that I start a mood diary. My CBT counsellor said it would help. I find it hard to find the motivation to do it. It just feels sometimes like I am chipping away at an insurmountable block of granite. Today was our last session. Overall, I feel like it was a waste of my time, her time, and of NHS resources, but a few things she said have rung true. She said that although I claim to "know" intellectually what depression is, I have an inability to allow myself to have it, or to understand that it is depression that is making my life difficult, and that it is that, not myself, that I need to take to task. Apparently, I am hard on myself and don't cut myself any slack. I should say that I am finding it hard to undertake the tasks she sets me because I have a low mood, not because I am lazy or pointless. It made more sense the way she said it. Now that I write it down it doesn't seem as light-bulbish.
I have purchased the beat depression book by Alexandra Massey. I am crap at reading these sort of books. So we'll see. The kids don't like me to read books or do stuff on the computer when I could be reading them books or playing shop or whatnot. :rolleyes:
One probelm is that I leave the session feeling empowered, and thinking "yes! that made sense." but within an hour, I have completely forgotten what has happened. My memory has got even more shocking over the last year or so. How much that has to do with the depression I simply don't know.
During the sessions, we identified that my tendency to numb stuff out has made me feel very flat. It is my coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety and panicky thoughts. It is easier to shrug and say, there is no point in trying to overcome this because I will fail. The counsellor tried to impart to me that it is the depression making me think this way, and not an intrinsic laziness or flaw in myself. So I need to CHANGE my flawed thinking patterns. And the only way I can do this is by putting things down in a thought diary, and looking at each bit, by bit. Breaking it down into bitesized chunks. Through trying to do small things, bit by bit.
Not quite sure what else to write now. I should be making the kid's dinner, so had best get on with that. The house is a pit, I have done nothing but chase my tail all day.*
*Good example of the sort of negative thinking my counsellor would flag and note down. Hmm.
